Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
A self-help book on how to handle grief involving a terminal illness or the death of a pet is proving an invaluable support for animal lovers and the vets who have to deliver the bad news. By Cameron Cooper
Grief facilitator Nikki Catley has vivid recollections of the day that one especially sceptical client came into her studio to mourn the death of his beloved Jack Russell terrier.
The burly man was there under sufferance—“His wife had dragged him to me,” says Catley—and he quickly expressed the view that any counselling would be a waste of time and money.
“A couple of questions in,” Catley recalls, “he just burst into tears and leant on me and said, ‘I didn’t cry this much when my mother passed away. But I can’t go to work, or eat, or function since I lost my little buddy’.”
A respected counsellor with a Certificate in Grief Facilitation, Catley did what she does best; she listened to the client’s feelings and helped him understand his loss and process his thoughts. “His grief was validated in that moment,” she says.
Similar scenarios are commonplace for the Victorian animal lover, who offers bereavement support for pet parents and assistance with navigating end-of-life decisions when their furry friends become ill or infirm.
Catley has been busier than ever since COVID-19 hit, especially as many people spent even more time with their animals during the pandemic due to lockdowns. This has made the bond between pet parents and their fur babies even stronger, leading to potentially more grief when the pet dies. Pet deaths can also be painful reminders of other losses.
“The passing of a fur friend can often trigger emotions about the death of a partner,” says Catley, whose own pets are a chocolate labrador named Charlie and a cat called Phil.
A privileged role
Based in Ballarat, Catley has worked in the animal industry and in veterinary clinic roles for most of her career.
I wrote the book because I wanted to help people. I know it sounds cliched, but that’s what I wanted to do with my sadness and grief.
Nikki Catley, grief facilitator
After getting her first job in a pet shop and then landing her “dream job” in a vet-assistant role at a clinic more than 25 years ago, she quickly noticed the anguish of pet owners as they faced the prospect of losing their animal companions.
One early interaction with a client, who was struggling with the imminent death of a beloved German shepherd, convinced Catley to pursue grief counselling more seriously.
“I just found myself organically supporting her during that time she had to say goodbye to her lovely dog. A couple of weeks later she produced a beautiful gift of thanks and I was just blown away, and it was in that moment that I realised I really wanted to help people during this difficult time. It’s not always just about puppies being born and all the good stuff in the veterinary industry.”
Seventeen years ago, after moving to a new clinic, Catley decided to study grief counselling “to formalise what I’d been doing for years anyway”. Then, about three years ago, she set up her own pet-grief counselling business called Paws for Talk, which helps owners of pets such as dogs, horses, cats and even rats.
“Rather than just working for one clinic, now I can offer services to vets everywhere from Ballarat and Geelong to Caroline Springs and Queensland.”
Vets pass on relevant cases to her and “that’s where the relationship begins” with her clients.
With people often being at their most defenceless, she adds that it is a privilege to share their experience. “Usually at the end of a consultation I’ll thank my client for trusting me because they’re so vulnerable.”
Counselling by the book
After helping hundreds of pet parents in person or via phone consultations, Catley decided she wanted to up the ante and produce a tangible tool that could help many more people.
With that objective in mind, she wrote the book, Fur the Broken Hearted. Published in March 2022, the self-help tool acts as a guide for pet families to reference when they need emotional and practical support in relation to their pets. It includes lots of Catley’s personal experiences with grief, as well as discussions about the symptoms of grief and coping mechanisms.
In addition to her experience with pet-related grief, the impetus for the book came from the loss of her much-loved nan. As an experienced grief facilitator, she expected to handle the loss better than most. “But I found myself drowning in my grief,” Catley says. “I was devastated.”
I just found myself organically supporting her and she did have to say goodbye to her lovely dog. A couple of weeks later she produced a beautiful gift of thanks and I was just blown away, and it was in that moment that I realised I really wanted to help people during this difficult time.
Nikki Catley, grief facilitator
It drove home for her that the symptoms are the same for someone grieving a person or a pet. “So, I wrote the book because I wanted to help people. I know it sounds cliched, but that’s what I wanted to do with my sadness and grief.”
Catley says vets are also using the book to bridge the gap between a poor health diagnosis for a client’s pet and the eventual possibility of euthanasia.
“They might have 25 people in their waiting room and have just delivered this terrible diagnosis to an owner. And they just have to conclude the consultation due to time limitations. So, being able to offer this book as support for them has been fantastic.”
Life-and-death matters
In recent years, Catley has expanded her services to include guidance to pet owners around quality-of-life and end-of-life decisions for their pets. The aim is to determine if an ailing animal is living or simply ‘existing’ and may be experiencing unnecessary discomfort and pain.
Owners can record the pet’s quality of life over time and report their findings back to their vet at a subsequent visit. The assessment tool can provide a numerical figure as a baseline for a pet’s health and happiness, which can then be used as a point of comparison in the future.
“Often, vets will say that your pet will let you know when their time is nearly at an end, or they’ll stop eating,” Catley explains. “But that’s not always the case and you don’t always know because love gets in the way of being rational.”
Her check box includes how families are coping mentally, emotionally and financially with the illness of an animal. For example, she may advise owners to communicate to their vet that choosing chemotherapy treatment for their furry loved one may, in fact, ruin them financially, but they feel too embarrassed to admit this to their vet for fear of being seen as not caring enough. “Sometimes what a client says in consultation is actually quite different to how they really feel, but their vet can’t possibly know this, of course,” Catley says.
When appropriate, she may give owners ‘permission’ not to go down the path of chemo, or another type of invasive treatment, and validate that decision with the animal’s owner with the vet’s support.
With referrals on the rise and the book getting positive reviews, Catley has no plans to stop her mission to support pet owners.
“I’m really fortunate to do what I do and love it,” she says. “I’m never going to be rich on the royalties, that’s for sure, but I am desperate to help as many people as possible.”
For more information about Nikki Catley and her book, visit pawsfortalk.com.au.
